THERE IS NO ROOM FOR HxC...

elainemarley @ 2010-03-15T15:20:00

2010-03-15T22:19:45Z

Thank you for letting me know that I'm not special.

elainemarley @ 2009-11-11T00:12:00

2009-11-11T08:13:53Z

Kevin

hey boo. i'm really starting to miss you. i feel silly because its only been like 2 days since i haven't seen but i guess that's what happens when you're really into someone. when you get back i'll be around to chat on here or gchat.

9:55pmMaxine

hey boo

I miss you too

9:56pmKevin

i know, i was just upstairs washing dishes, and i was like man, i miss that gal

It's been 11 weeks since my last post...

2009-05-28T07:05:54Z

BUT, THIS IS WHAT I CAME HOME TO TONIGHT:

MrKevCool (11:31:41 PM): hey boo, in case i dont catch you before i go to bed, i just wanted to say thanks for spending the day with me.

Auto Response from ElaineMarley187 (11:31:41 PM): lasagnoo wif audroo

MrKevCool (11:32:03 PM): I love the fact that i get to give you kisses while working.

MrKevCool (11:32:16 PM): i also love the fact, that i love you

I'm so in love with this boy, I feel like I have to tell the world!

Rantings.

2009-03-11T02:02:22Z

I don't know how to feel anymore. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or something, but at the moment I'm on an emotional roller coaster.

We've been dating for almost 3 years now, I like to think that I enjoyed the vast majority of the time we shared together, but the last few weeks I've been nothing short of manic. I think it's important to ask ourselves, why are we still doing this?

Unlike you, I know why I am in this relationship. You're my best friend. You're a great person, with a giant heart, and, although this is incredibly cliche, you make me want to be a better person. I've never felt this way about anybody before, and I'm saddened by the fact that I am finding it harder and harder to love you.

A couple of weeks ago, you said that you were depressed because there are things about me that you have a hard time with, and that you are now realizing that you can never change them. Well, I hate to break it to you, but nobody's perfect-this includes you. The big difference between you and I, is that I would never shame you or threaten to leave you due to these "fatal flaws". I'm aware and mature enough to know that you're a package deal, and I love you for who you are, flaws and all.

A couple of days later, you let it slip that you would never marry me. Oh no, it's not that you don't believe in marriage, because you do. It's just my fault. There are things that you just can't bring yourself to overlook. However, you didn't have the guts to tell me just what it was that you could not get past. I feel stupid for letting that go as easily as I did. Yeah, it's true. I'm 22 years old, and I'm not thinking about taking that path right now. That doesn't mean that it still didn't hurt my fucking feelings. To tell you the truth, I can't look at you the same way anymore. This thought is constantly lingering in the back of my mind. Impending doom. When is this all going to end? A month? A year? Whenever you decide you're ready to settle down? I'll just never be good enough.

Friday night I heard you and your sister talk about going to New York together in May after school lets out. I guess you two have been discussing it for awhile. The next day I asked about it. You said you were going with Brittany and that she said I could not come with you. This was hard to stomach for a few reasons. First of all, I would NEVER do that to you. If I was going to New York City, I would make absolute sure that you could go too. I would never exclude you from something like that, mostly because if I was going to New York, you would probably be the ONE person I would want to go with. Second, when were you going to tell me? "Oh Hey, I'm leaving for New York next week, I didn't want to tell you sooner because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

I think about you every day. Every fucking day you cross my mind. When I make decisions, plans, any sort of commitment, there hasn't been a single time that I haven't first considered you. I'm coming to a point that I can't do this anymore. I didn't think that relationships were supposed to be this much work. I've always been under the impression that if you really care for someone, you do what it takes to make them happy.

Well, I'm not happy anymore. In fact, I haven't felt this un-happy in years. I feel completely worthless. My spirit is completely crushed. I just don't know what to do with myself. Where the fuck am I supposed to go from here? Things seem to become clearer and clearer. It is becoming more apparent that you do not reciprocate the feelings I have for you, and that is just a really shitty feeling. I'm not ready to feel like this again.

I guess I'm also not ready for you to read this in a livejournal post either. I'm keeping it somewhat private for now, at least just until i get up the nerve.<input ... ></input><input ... >

elainemarley @ 2008-09-23T18:51:00

2008-09-24T01:51:58Z

WHY IS AT&T CONSTANTLY FUCKING ME?!?!?!

elainemarley @ 2007-06-28T20:21:00

2007-06-29T03:22:02Z

Yes I did just sign up to get tickets to see the Spice Girls in LA on December 8.

This is going to be so fucking sick!

elainemarley @ 2007-05-17T11:47:00

2007-05-17T18:51:00Z

many times i wish things had just turned out differently.

elainemarley @ 2007-05-03T09:06:00

2007-05-03T16:10:20Z

Cold Rum and a hot bath turned out to be exactly what I needed.

Feelin' good.

elainemarley @ 2007-05-01T13:29:00

2007-05-01T20:31:49Z

I think being in this office is driving me a bit crazy. Alot of what I do does not require thought, so my brain just turns to puddy and I tend to overthink the things that are going on in my life.

Also, when I am at work I chat with my mom alot. My mom is not the most positive person in the world. She tends to make me think the worst of things, even when there is not much to think about. And with the snap of her finger, I can go from content to deeply depressed.

She said she does not want me to quit this job and go back to school full time-apparently I would be "throwing away an opportunity".

An opportunity for what?

They just fired the 3 only upbeat people in the office. That makes me really sad. It's not that I don't like the other people in the office, it's just that I know they're miserable. They come to the desk and complain about how they hate their lives. It's just kindof a downer. I'm not sure how much longer i will stay.

I think I am going to buy a sketchpad today. It will probably bring some release and give me something else to do besides overthink things

elainemarley @ 2007-04-26T08:43:00

2007-04-26T15:47:05Z

Why do I keep beating myself up about this? I want to move on, but I can't-and I hate myself for it. It's all my fault.

elainemarley @ 2007-04-19T13:10:00

2007-04-19T20:16:09Z

Daffodils always seem to make things a little sweeter.

Update

2007-04-12T16:24:02Z

I am seriously considering going to the culinary academy. I like to cook, and hate office work-so I think I could work with this whole "chef" thing. Only thing is, when I tell people I am thinking of applying, they tell me it is a bad idea because 1) It's expensive, 2) its hard work, and 3) it is shit money. I guess my only response is, where there's a will, there's a way.

As it turns out, swing dancing actually is quite a bit of fun. I definitely need practice-but what I do know how to do is a blast.

I feel like I need another vacation. Or maybe just leave the office and never come back. I am kinda going nuts here. It is the same monotonous routine every day. And if anyone screws up, it is automatically my fault. Most of them have no consideration for anyone's feelings. Everyone asks me to talk to Patti about stuff when they all have her contact information. They just think that because I am on good terms with her, I should ask her about every little thing. I think they are just hurting her feelings.

I like reading through old emails-particularly emails from May-July of last year. They make me smile.

I think I am going to work through the summer, not shop, and save up money. Maybe at the end of the summer get a job working in a restaurant or something. Either that or I could start applying for summer camps around the area. I think they pay pretty well, and I don't think I would get bored. We will see what i find.

Kevin got free tickets to see Hot Fuzz in Berkeley on Tuesday night. That movie made me laugh so hard, I was sore all over. I think I liked it even more than Shaun of the Dead. It was THAT good. I guess they had a TV show in the UK called Spaced. I watched an episode about Robot wars here at work yesterday. I may have to have someone download it for me.

Looking forward to this weekend. Friday when I get outta here, Kevin and I are going to go to Guadalajara next to the Fruitvale bart station. He said it was amazing, and I have nothing to lose. Maybe afterwards we will see Grindhouse or something. I am actually pretty excited about that movie. Sunday I think we are going on a picnic at Tilden Park, maybe do some acid? who knows. Maybe I will just go with Kevin and hike with him around the park for awhile.

Speaking of Acid, I found this.
Interesting. There are alot of cool illustrations on that site as well.

only 2 more days of this. Yipee!

elainemarley @ 2007-01-05T17:56:00

2007-01-06T01:56:49Z

WHY OH WHY CAN'T I BE 21???

Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter and David Wain are going to be at the Mezzanine next Thursday.

Fuck being under age.

Also,

2006-12-28T17:27:13Z

FUCK AN ANN COULTER!!!

Holidays baby, yeah!

2006-12-28T16:47:38Z

It was pretty good this year. I got a $200 Nordstrom gift card from the guys at Weintraub, and a $147 bonus from Friedkin, which was totally unexpected. Mr. Friedkin also gave me a new canon powershot, which I had wanted for awhile. It's tiny and gets the job done, and I like it alot.

I agreed to do all of my mom's Christmas shopping for her this year...

What a fucking nightmare!

On Christmas Eve, family came over and I saw them for a few minutes but was invited to Kevin's house for dinner. We ate indian food while everyone else feasted on the usual Thanksgiving/Christmas nastiness. Kevin's uncle bought me Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail by Hunter S. Thompson, which I am actually really excited to start reading, but have just been too exhausted to even glance at. Kevin made me a blanket to match my room, and bought me a box of dark chocolate. That boy certainly knows the way to a girls heart. I slept on the couch that night because I no longer live in the house, and I felt it was only appropriate that I spend Christmas Eve with Rosie.

My mom didn't know what to buy me for Christmas, so she gave me $200 in cash, a new bike basket, a portable pump, a desk calendar, and a few other small things. My dad got me "Annie", which was... weird. I think he's stuck with the belief that I am still 8 years old. I bought my parents a food processor and a new knife set. Paul got me Death to Smoochy, which is one of my favorites. And I got him a DVD Player. I gave Rosie, Francis, Kingsley, Ramona and the still unnamed Momma cat Turkey Jerky. I can get Rosie to stand on her back legs for it.

I made breakfast for my parents and got a call from Kevin. I went to his Parents house and we laid around all day watching movies. My parents gave them Little Miss Sunshine and I'm pretty sure they loved it... but not nearly as much as I do. I finally saw the sorta new pirates movie. Meh, I'm kinda over the hype. After they messed with the Disneyland ride, I kinda lost interest. We watched Inside Man, which I actually didn't expect to be as good as it was. Can't go wrong with fucking the Nazi's. Ryan and Brittany made us sit through Benchwarmers, which is quite possibly the worst movie I've seen in quite some time. Kevin downloaded and burned Borat and we took it back to my house to finish up the evening.

I've been working the early shift at the office since last thursday. I am still on the same sleep schedule I was on before I started work at 6:30, which means I won't go to bed until at least midnight. It's hard because all of my friends are on vacation from school, so they want to stay out late on weeknights simply because they can. I have to be a party pooper and say I can't stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning because I have to be up at 4:30. I still don't know how I managed to do this for so long.

Livejournal is annoying me right now. Everytime I pause from typing, it refreshes the page and I have to scroll down to where I am typing right now. Fuck this site.

elainemarley @ 2006-12-19T16:51:00

2006-12-20T01:14:17Z

Everything is going to shit and I feel that I let it get to that point. I am losing faith and patience and I wish there was a way to change the inevitable, but I am confident that things will stay the same. I wish this didn't hurt as badly as it does...

elainemarley @ 2006-12-07T12:09:00

2006-12-07T19:09:45Z

BETSEY JOHNSON SHOES!

RED SATIN!

RHINESTONES!

$200!!

I almost died!!

Ahhh, to be back...

2006-12-07T01:19:26Z

Paul, Kevin and I spent the weekend at Disneyland. In a nutshell-it was action packed and sexy.

Yeah, I kinda love this kid... alot! He wants his parents to meet my parents, so we're trying to arrange a night at golden lotus. I offered to cook, but my mom thought it would be less awkward if we went out. I can't complain! I LOVE GOLDEN LOTUS!!
Yesterday i bought a pretty dress on ebay for the holiday party. I hope it gets here in time.
The Weintraub party is this Friday. It should be good. How could you go wrong with free sushi and an open bar?
Sole on Saturday. It was a choice between either Sole or Why? I chose Sole because I've never seen him live, it's cheaper and in Oakland. Why? plays here all the time... and Slim's can suck my balls.

Things are real real good!

2006-10-23T23:41:46Z

The last couple of weeks have been pretty a-mazing!
I get excited when Kevin leaves me flowers in my car.
I gotta stop spending money!
Vegan gelato... You can't top that sheeeit!
Golden Lotus could be my new favorite restaurant.
Zombie dance parties are the best kind around.
I'm really excited to learn how to skateboard.
Gotta think of a good Halloween costume.
I think Chris hates me-but he just won't tell me that he hates me.
Doseone is the man.
Beer is good.
I got me some braces, heeeeell yeaaaah!
Kevin got a job, yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!
Furniture shopping is really stressful,
but I de-stress myself with 40's of Old English in the Mission.
I think my car is going to explode,
but it's okay because I love my bicycle dearly.
Brittany is an extraordinary drunk.
Everytime Fish watches Mean Girls, she thinks of me... and that makes me really happy!
I wish the clouds would come back. Cloudy days are real nice.
Oddree makes beautiful plates, and delicious vegan peanut butter cookies. They taste like you can snort them!

That's all for now... just had to get it outta my system.

elainemarley @ 2006-10-12T20:26:00

2006-10-12T20:27:03Z

I GET TO SEE DEEEEVO! wheeeee!

elainemarley @ 2006-10-11T23:13:00

2006-10-12T06:13:48Z

I should be kicking my own ass right now. FUCK.

CV Pub Crawl!!

2006-10-05T19:43:46Z

KEVIN LOOKS WASTED!!!

WOW!

elainemarley @ 2006-10-04T15:17:00

2006-10-04T22:09:40Z

Rainy days in San Francisco are my fav'rit!

Survey, biotch

2006-10-04T00:06:51Z

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY. (lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past)

-Longest relationship?: 6 months. After that, we couldn't stand eachother.

-Shortest relationship?: A few weeks, maybe?

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you told that you love?: 1

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?: yes... in my butt

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?: yes

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?: It's hard to compare the two... But I really like the relationship I'm in now. He's purrrrfect.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?: Probably not

-Talk to any of your exes?: yep!

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?: Fuck nah.

-Think any of your exes feel the same way?: I know one of them does...

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?: I think I'm okay.. I tend to bitch alot.

-Have you dated people who were not good for you? yes

-Have you dated someone older then you?: yes

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?: yes

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?: It depends on the situation.

-Believe in love at first sight?: I believe in lust at first sight.

-Ever been given an engagement ring?: When I was in Germany, Nicole and I bought rings that we wanted our wedding rings to look like. They were about 4 Euros... I still have mine, does that count?

-Do you want to get married?: I guess it would be wise- for tax purposes and whatnot... And of course for the bitchin after party!

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?: No, not really.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?: It sucks, but you get over it.

Oakland Art Murmur with Linda this Friday! We're going to eat, ride bikes, drink and ride bikes some more! I CAN'T WAIT!

elainemarley @ 2006-09-26T21:37:00

2006-09-27T04:38:16Z

I don't know what's wrong with me...